Anxiety and stomach adventures — day 5

Day isn’t over yet, but I wanted to post diary updates, and note how today (or technically yesterday, since it just hit 0000 hours here) has gone.

0715 – Made food, turkey stuffing and mashed potatos
0800 – Finished eating. Stomach growling/upset
0820 – Stomach even more upset. Really not feeling good at all. Churning is very audible. Going to try and rest.
0932 – Managed to rest for about an hour, then got call from doctor’s office. Scheduled visit with my normal doctor for Wednesday at 1120 in the morning
0938 – Urinated, normal duration, no pain. Going back to sleep
1130 – Woken up again by phone calls
1145 – Off phone
1357 – Decide to drink some sake, and have some fudge (small piece). Worried about the fact that I haven’t gotten much sleep today
1731 – Completely unable to sleep. Eyes never feel heavy. Body is relaxed, but can’t seem to start to fall asleep…
1912 – Spent some time using the computer, due to inability to sleep. Ordered some Amazon books on anxiety and agoraphobia. Stomach has felt OK, except for the past 5-10 minutes where it would get tight paints on the left side for very brief durations
1917 – Urinated, normal duration, no pain. Going to try sleeping again
2000 – No luck sleeping. Stomach is also very upset again. Going to take meds and eat
2007 – Took Zantac and Prilosec. Will be eating mashed potatoes and stuffing again
2046 – Finished eating. Occasional burping. Stomach feels awkward (full, but still uncomfortable). Occasional churning
2117 – Stomach *very* upset. Mind keeps thinking “Why did I eat before work?!?!”
2130 – BM – probably a result of eating? Dark stools but not black. Passed without much difficulty. Stomach (not sure, hard to pinpoint location) churning simultaneously
2140 – Took 0.25mg of Xanax in preparation for work. Time for bath
2153 – *Major* anxiety, worst since 12/25. Briefly started crying while in bath. Incredible feeling of isolation and depression, and other oddities (e.g. staring at my legs, then start feeling strange, almost sick, but not quite). Stomach constantly feels horrible, and lack of sleep not helping (body feels exhausted). Considering calling in to work sick, but not sure if I should — need to tough it out? Also hoping Xanax will make me feel better. These feelings might have been a panic attack, but I’m not completely sure
2204 – Finished with bath
2210 – Anxiety has decreased but only slightly. Sort of scared about going to work…? Not sure why, given that yesterday I did OK
2215 – Left for work. Within a few minutes, feelings of anxiety, but greatly masked/held back by Xanax
2232 – Arrived at work. Had to continually tell myself while biking “You can do this” and “You did this yesterday, you’ll be okay”. Made it to work, and was greeted with a major service outage, adding to stress levels. Also unable to reach any friends who could take me home if I needed to go home early tonight due to issues like last week, which makes me feel “stuck”

Today so far has been really, really bad. My boss did come into work to help fill in as a 3rd person on shift, and I am incredibly thankful for that. I’m still at work right now, and I don’t know how the rest of the night is going to go, being as I have over 7 hours left.

I’m greatly angered and frustrated by multiple things right now:

  • That I’m having to literally “get by” every hour. I want to have a day where I just feel normal at work, then come home. Prior to all of this, the only times I’d get anxious were during my travel to/from work. Now that I feel all fucked up *at* work, that just makes things worse for me
  • Tomorrow it will just be 2 people on shift, and I hope I can make that work. I only have to survive that for 2 days in a row, and after that we’re back to normal
  • The emotional roller-coaster I’m on as a result of all of this
  • My inability to sleep, at home nonetheless. I love sleep, I love it so much. The fact I’m not getting it really, really upsets me, because I need it, even more so since I work nights
  • How bloody cold I get, in general and especially at work. This 2-3C shit is pissing me off

Also, while talking with my mother a few days ago, she told me that colitis is very common in our family. Well gee mum, why didn’t you tell me this years ago? I shouldn’t get upset about it, it’ll just trigger other anxieties, but for years I’ve been under the impression the only problems our genetic tree had was with skin disorders…

Just trying to make it through the night tonight. I wonder if my boss will let me sleep for a few hours…