Anxiety and stomach adventures — day 4

Technically the day isn’t over yet, but at least work is. Yes, I survived. I seem to be getting a lot of support from folks at work, which makes me very thankful (sincerely), but at the same time, no matter how sincere people are, how I feel and what goes on in my mind doesn’t really change. It’s almost like a tiny piece of me hopes one day someone will say some magic words that suddenly change everything for the better. Yeah right. :-)

My diary consists of the following:

12/28
1350 – Finished playing Wii. Going to sleep now, plan to wake up ~2030, take Xanax, bathe, then go to work. Feeling slightly anxious, stomach churns once in a while.
1520 – Was starting to drift off to sleep but was awakened by neighbour across the hall. Trying to sleep once more…
1537 – Got up, feeling “restless”, drank small cup of cake, hoping it will relax me
1615 – Sake didn’t do much. Trying to lay down and stay relaxed. Friend coming over in an hour or more, maybe that will help
1745 – Friend arrives
1940 – Friend leaves. Talked about past 4-5 days. Helped somewhat, but also just made me think about everything even more. Both good and bad, I guess
1942 – Took 0.25mg Xanax in prep. for work. Took it early due to feeling anxious
1947 – Urinated, normal duration, no pain
2005 – Used computer for a little bit, to answer boss’s mail about health status, etc.
2017 – Finally a BM – slightly forced (heavy pushing), and very little stool. Very dark, I believe as a result of the Pepto Bismol taken during afternoon of 12/26
2040 – Bath time. Considering going to work early as a “test” to see how I feel
2106 – Left for work (early). On way to work, felt anxious numerous times, but managed to keep it together. I think the Xanax is what kept me in one piece
2121 – Made it to work. Very deep feelings of anxiety, and even a bit of fear. I had a feeling I might have created a negative association with work, and it seems I did? Just going to take it one step at a time. Jaw is very tight
2306 – Took Zantac + Prilosec
2348 – Stomach not feeling good, mixed between hunger and general upset. Ate some pita bread (?) and broccoli, but not much. Afraid to eat more due to slight fear of getting sick at work, or making stomach hurt more

12/29
0106 – Feeling incredibly cold, especially hands. Room temp is 69F. Increased room temp to 71F. Used hot water to warm hands. Feeling large amounts of anxiety unless I’m keeping super busy/able to fully focus on something
0128 – Slight headache along top of head. Not going to take anything for it quiet yet. Hands still freezing cold (confirmed by touching face). Warmed hands with tap water. Also wanted to note that I’ve lost 7 pounds in about 5-6 days. Earlier friend noticed how thin my arms are now
0213 – Stomach quite upset. I think it wants food, but am unsure what kinds of food are “safe” to consume while at work. Much food is available, but most has been out for 24-48 hours, which makes me wary of possible contamination (ed. note: 2 years ago I got food poisoning for the first time in my life from some work-provided lunch we had. I’m not paranoid about food poisoning, but any food that’s been left out in open air for more than an hour or two is questionable, IMHO)
0245 – Co-worker gets fleece blanket for me to use; definitely helping. Other co-worker says room feels okay (normal temp)
0328 – Incredibly tired. Keep putting head down on desk. Told other co-workers I needed to rest, which was OK
0546 – Woke up. Felt so-so; stomach still uncomfortable (mix of hunger and some kind of stomach knot?)
0600 – Preparing to leave work
0604 – Urinated, normal duration, no pain
0621 – Arrived home. Immediately started doing laundry. Still feeling very tired, and a little hungry. Also somewhat anxious, not sure why. I feel like I should be super relieved or excited to be home (e.g. feeling of “I made it! I did it!”), but I’m not
0632 – Almost feel like crying, very weird. Xanax should have worn off by now. This entire situation just has me on a physical and emotional roller-coaster. Wishing my stomach would feel completely normal for a day, and that eating felt normal or good

For now I need to finish doing laundry, then I’m considering making some more mashed potatoes/gravy/stuffing, even though the day before it made my stomach hurt. It tasted good, and I’m willing to bet it digests easy.

Tonight/tomorrow at work will consist of 3 people again (my boss has agreed to help out), so we’ll have to see if today’s experience has helped at all. But Tue/Wed night will definitely be 2-person, so that will be the real test, I think.